Casino Kansas City Buffet

Fall of Cleveland 5 - Uni the Unicorn pt2 (2/2) by Giant Neckbeard

Link to part 1
You're a Dirty-Grey Earth Fluffy with an even dirtier Black mane and tail, walking as fast as you can to the north, part of a massive Herd that stretches as far back as you can see and beyond.
Back when you were part of your Original Herd, you were called Dirt, because no matter what you did or how many times you jumped in the Water Holes, your Fluff seemed to attract dirt all on it's own. Now you're just 'Fwuffie', like everyone else.
Across the highway is another, equally massive Herd, full of Meanie Fluffies who say that Uni loves them more.
You'd go over and give them owies, but the Desert Fluffies know that Biggest Meanest Monsters come roaring down the highway frequently, so it's best to conserve your strength for the day when the Meanie Herd is being incredibly Mean.
As a Desert Fluffy, you know the surrounding regions quite well, but you've never had an adventure like this before
Follow the Black Hard Thing that Hoomins call the 'Highway', always follow it, never leave to follow down the smaller Black Hard Things, because they do not go 'North'. Find the Water Holes and have to stop Fluffies from pushing each other in.
Have to force them to wait for their turn, and then have to make those who have had their fill of water keep moving. And with so many Fluffies, thousands of them, it's hard to make them stop fighting.
The last water-hole, there was barely any water for the last few Fluffies, just very dirty water that they cried over, but drank anyways, because they were so hot and thirsty.
These Cee-Tee Fluffies are real pains in your Poopie Place. They never work together like your Herd used to.
And there's barely enough food for everyone now. Have to beat the Fluffies who try to eat everything, they are supposed to only have a mouthful of something and move on, so those behind them can eat too.
You have had to beat a lot of Fluffies to get them to understand that if they eat all the nummies, then their friends behind them will have none.
Then you had to keep driving them on when they tried to turn back and 'Gif Sowwy Huggies!' to their 'Fwiends'.
Have to stay on your side of the road too, as there's a Mean Herd just as big on the other side, eating all the shrubs and grass and shouting that they love Uni more than you do.
Want to fight the Mean Herd to prove you love Uni the most, but can't, Fluffies need to keep moving and go 'North' as fast as they can, and if you waste time fighting, then Uni might pick somebody else as her One True Special Friend.
Fluffies whimper, some cry about being hot, about their hooves hurting, about wanting nummies, but nobody stops. Uni is waiting, at a magical place...
Fluffies walk till it's too hot, then try to find shade to wait out the hottest part of the day.
Some of the Herd's Cee-Tee Stallions say they have been walking for many turnings of the Sun, from a place full of Hoomins and Fluffies and Grass and Water, and it makes your head spin that they would abandon such a paradise.
There's nothing out here but the blistering hot sun, the cruel, burning sand and small shrubs and patches of hard, bitter grass.
And Snake-Munsta and Bug-Munstas and... well, there's a lot of Munstas.
Until She came along, you despaired of ever finding a way out of this hellhole.
Uni... just remembering her makes your heart swell with longing, and you find the strength to push onwards just a little bit more.
"Too wamm!" A Stallion near the front of the Herd shouts. He's right, the Sun is climbing so high it's nearly overhead
Fluffies walk down into the bad-lands, and here is where you and you can help these 'Cee-Tee' Fluffies find shelter.
It's hard, there's more Fluffies than you can count, stretching back farther than you can see, but you try. Fluffy Mammas and Foals get the best shade, because they are the most vulnerable, then Mares, then Stallions.
Everyone is so hot, fluff is bad when Fluffies get this hot, so everyone pants through their mouths to try and make the 'Wamm Bad Feww' to leave their bodies.
Fluffies are warned about the Bug-Munstas and the Snake-Munstas, but some don't understand, or are too mean, and push into the rocks, looking for shelter.
Hear them scream as the Munstas sting them. Fluffies flop about, howling and pooping and shrieking as the Bad Bites make them spit boo-boo juices and turn ugly colors.
Fluffies cram in under shrubs, behind tall rocks, anywhere there is shade, and pant, flicking their tails and twitching their ears to try and make the Fly-Not-Friends who plague them go away.
On the other side of the road, the Other Fluffies are shouting in dismay, apparently several of their Herd tried to take shelter behind a Prickly Green Plant, and got bad owies from the thin needles that cover it.
Good. Don't like that Herd that is leading that mob of Cee-Tee Fluffies.
Made it impossible for you to be with Uni. Were naughty, so Uni's Hoomins pulled you all away.
You sigh and close your eyes, remembering how soft her fluff felt against your body, as the sun climbs higher into the sky, and the shade the Fluffies hide under shrinks
"Yuu weft dem awone! Wun away to chase Uni! Why yuu weave yuu Hewd to chase Uni! Bad Fwuffies! Hewds wuv yuu, an' yuu wun away!"
Whimper and try to forget the memory of Uni being so very angry with you. It's not your fault! She just... you think of Uni, and then your Mares, but there's just no comparison at all. Your Mares were small and scrawny and dirty, their ears ragged, their fluff full of dust and burrs.
Touching Uni was like... you don't know the words to describe it. It was like every good thing you ever wanted, and so many good things you never knew existed, all at once.
Soft, clean, warm, pretty, good feels, nice smells
You sigh and try to block out the sounds of Fluffy Ponies complaining loudly, pushing and shoving each other as the shade shrinks and shrinks, forcing the hot, unhappy Fluffies ever closer together.
But Uni is going 'North'.
And you will follow her to the ends of the Land, you said so.
You promised.
*********************************************************************
Well. Las Vegas...certainly more than you ever expected.
Spent a week and a half here, doing 'adverts' for various businesses that think appealing to Fluffy Pony Owners is a sound business decision.
Uni's getting the work out of her life here.
Fluffies are brought out to meet her by their owners, get hugs, and 'help' with the adverts.
Done everything from garages trying to sell fuel and repairs to specialty stores selling 'all natural' Fluffy Chow and even a Fluffy Pimp.
Seriously?
Don't think that one is going to see air-time.
The three mares were quite beautiful and were wearing makeup, with ribbons tied through their manes.
"How much yuu chawge?" They asked you, scowling at 'Uni'.
That was surprising. Uni was designed to be adorable by Fluffy Pony standards, until you twigged that they saw Uni as a 'rival' for business.
Only reason they weren't attacking was your size, otherwise you're sure that 'Uni' would have been showered with 'Sowwy Poopies!'
Regardless, you're a professional, do the shoot, then BUG THE HELL OUTTA THERE.
Prosti-Fluffies shouting at Pip and Eddy they can 'haf one on da howse!'
Nononononono....
Second-to-last Advert Shoot is in a Casino.
Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
Well at least there'll be AC. Feel like a steamed dumpling at this stage.
Whoever came up with the concept of a Latex Suit never worked in a desert, you're sure.
'Uni' is given some chips, 'plays' some of the games and 'wins' bowls of Spaghetti.
Big, heaped bowls of Spaghetti.
Oh God.
*********************************************************************
Set six weeks later
Be Natasha Goodaluv, again, and watch with bemusement as Eddy and Pip go out to meet the Fluffy Ponies and the Cows.
Some wit decided to stuff a Feral herd with Bovine Hormones, and started to bottle Fluffy Pony Milk. Without the addition of specific foods, the milk has a tendency to have a very starchy taste, but with all the sweet, well-watered grass and high-sucrose fodder the Farmer feeds them, the milk is almost sickeningly sugary.
Had a glass, can barely stand still. No wonder the little fluff-balls are so hyperactive if this is what they grow up on.
Sammy has bought twelve bottles of the damn stuff. Swears it'll be better for everyone than the redbull they're going through. Might be healthier, but for fuck's sake, you feel like you're vibrating right now from the sugar-high.
Oh God, the Mares in the fields have finally noticed Eddy and Pip are 'Stallions'.
This ought to be good. Eddy is 'interviewing' the Mares, while Pip is having a natter with the Farmer who originally came up with the concept of Bottled Fluffy Milk, a scattering of Fillies and young Mares following in his wake and giggling loudly.
In the fields outside the "Dairy Farmers of America" buildings, taking a well-earned break from the Uni-Suit as the madness starts.
"Yuu big Fwuffy! Yuu haf Hewd?" The 'Smarty Friend' of this all-female Herd asks loudly, grinning at Eddy.
Well, leering, but still...
"Eddy haf Hewd wit' Wittle Brudda Pip and Wittle Sistah Uni." Eddy rumbles at the Mares, who all squeak and squeal in delight.
Seriously, did they have to build the suit so Eddy sounded like that? You understand the marketing pitch, to make Eddy sound as big and authoritative as possible to make him popular with Earth Fluffy Ponies, but this is just ridiculous.
"Wan join mah Hewd?" The Smarty Mare shouts eagerly, tail lifted into the air and waving back and forth.
If you were closer, you'd bet you could smell the hormones flooding off her right now.
Combination of a lack of males, rich food, constant hormone injections to make her produce milk all the time, and that has to be one ripe little Fluffy out there trying to be sexy as all hell.
"For the record, if you two fuckers pop the suit's boner out there, I WILL beat you to death with your own fucking limbs." You hear the Director mutter into his head-set, and stifle the urge to giggle.
"An yuu is nice Hoomin who gif miwk to Fwuffies at home?" Pip squeaks to the Farmer, who grins and nods, obviously only just resisting the urge to burst out laughing.
Yes, the whole situation is absurd, just deal with it.
"Aaaaah, yep, I started bottling Fluffy Ponies milk a few years ago when they wandered onto my property, thought there might be a market." The aging, balding man snorts and grins as he watches 'Eddy' desperately trying to outrun the Mares, who had all latched on to his belly fluff, squirming and wriggling.
"WOOOOOOO!" You hear one Mare squeal in delight. Shit. SWAG has been launched...
Director is making choking noises, and you swear you can hear the coffee mug in his hands cracking as his knuckles turn white.
"Oh my God... well, uh, focusing on the milk again..." The Farmer makes an half-muffled snort of laughter as Pip and he walk away from the train-wreck of Eddy and the Mares. "The milk is bottled and treated on my farm, filled with all the good things Fluffy Ponies need, and then sold all over the country. There's Fluffy Milk for Foals, Fluffy Milk for Adults, Fluffy Milk for the Elderly Fluffies. Hell, I even pasteurize some for people too."
"Yaaaaay! Nice Hoomin get Fwuffie Miwk fo' evewy Fwuffie an' dere Mummies an' Daddies!" Pip 'cheers', dancing from hoof to hoof, his wings flapping 'eagerly'.
The Mares who followed pip also start dancing, delighted.
"Yuu is Guud Fwuffies who make Miwk fo' otha Fwuffies!" Pip tells them, 'smiling' at them. "Yuu is wunnerful! Yuu is Best Fwuffies!"
Mare cling to Pip's fluff and shout they love him, that they think he's 'wunnerful' too.
Eddy has fallen over with much cursing, sending Fluffy Ponies flying.
They rushed over to ask if he was okay, then saw the SWAG just lying there. Fluffy Mares all crowd around, rubbing their back-ends on the exposed shaft, giggling and cooing, even as their Smarty Friend tries to back into the damn thing.
"Nnnnnngh! So Big! Fwuffy gun' haf Best Speshaw Huggies!" She shouts loudly, grinding back as hard as she can, her face contorting hilariously as she tries to push all 2 feet of flanged latex horse wang into her tiny body.
That does it. Everyone bursts into laughter or starts wolf-whistling.
"Oh for the love of... FROM THE TOP!" The Director yells, rubbing at his temples.
Time till Spaghetti Land in Cleveland, Ohi opens ... 6 weeks
*********************************************************************
4 Weeks till Spaghetti Land in Cleveland, Ohio opens.
Kansas City. By All The Gods, so many adverts.
Uni's getting more mileage than you thought possible. Much as you hate to admit it, the suit is incredible to hold up under this constant 'abuse' without the mechanisms failing.
Doing a shoot at the St. Louis Arch, with the other two Suits.
Redo of the 'Journey' song. Seems that Fluffies absolutely adore it.
Apparently Las Vegas has had a surge of customers, with Fluffies in tow, and made a killing.
Customers can either take their winnings or have free all-you-can-eat buffets for themselves and their Fluffy Ponies for a week.
Naturally, people try to take the money, but the Fluffy ponies break down into tears, and the owners either boot the Fluffy, try to make it understand or give in to the guilt.
The other thing that's surprising is there's close to a million Fluffy ponies following in your wake.
Jesus enfing Christ. There's so many of them following the Freeway from Hollywood to Cleveland that satellites can pick them up.
They're only just reaching Las Vegas now, according to the News Reports, a sprawling two-part Herd that shambles on morning and night, leaving a trail of weak or dead Fluffy Ponies in their wake.
"We fowwowin' Uni!" One Fluffy Pony said on National Television, making the entire cast spit their coffee out in horror. "We fowwow Uni fow'evah! We wuv Uni!... I wuv Uni mowst dou...."
Cue the Feral Fluffies going into a screaming free-for-all as the Stallions jumped on the Smarty Friend, shouting that they themselves 'wuved' Uni more than anyone!
Any complaints to the show get funneled down the line to the your Mystery Asshole Boss. Hope the bastard's ears are melting off from the enraged Fluffy Pony Owners whose babies have run away to follow their Idol.
And there's scores of abusers out there attacking the herds, but apparently there were so many that a couple of flat-bed trucks actually went out of control when their wheels locked up with Fluff, and tipped over, crushing their inhabitants, who got 'Owie-Fixin'-Hugs' to make it all better.
And promptly suffocated under thousands of Fluffies trying to fix their 'boo-boos'.
Karma at work, ladies and gentlemen. You thought to yourself as you watched the police pry the Fluffy ponies off the corpses.
Las Vegas City Council apparently decided that it was a fantastic attention-getter, and has 'helped' the Fluffy Ponies by diverting them down the main 'strip' of road leading through town and blocking off the alleyways and side-streets.
Show-Girls are holding signs saying "Uni went that way!" instead of working the tables, or under them.
Lying bastards. They're just eager to see the Ferals leave, and possibly make their own Feral Fluffy Pony population disappear in the process.
Fuck you can only imagine what the Ferals have had to go through .....
*********************************************************************
You hold up your son to the sky... and weep bitter, bitter tears. The tears wash down into your dirty fluff, leaving two clean trails on your cheeks as the foal remains cold and stiff, despite your attempts to warm it with the morning sun.
The mare you had befriended on the way died, leaving you to look after the last of the babies you had given her one night when you couldn't stand the Hot-Naughty-Feels pulsing through you.
Brandy died because the Mean Herd snuck across the road and ate all the nummies, marching all night long while your herd slept.
Your herd kept following their side of the road, too afraid of the Munstas to cross the highway, too determined to stop and seek food further from the highway's edge.
Three days without food, and barely any water, and eventually she was too weak to move.
Babies had been without milk for two days when the first, your daughter Gust, fell off her Mother's back and wouldn't get up.
You and Brandy cried over her body so much, then left the Herd to take her and put her under a bush, where she could rest.
You both knew she was dead, but it made it easier to go on if you pretended she was just sleeping.
Then your son Brambles began to fall ill, and you tried everything you could think of to make him better.
Hugs, half-chewed grass, some sweet berries you found and brought back for him to suck on, nothing worked.
Bandy kept on telling you she was sorry, she was a "Bad Fwuffy Mumma". Told her she was the "Best Fwuffy Mumma evah, it not her fault if Meanie Hewd steaw nummies."
Brandy didn't move the next day, still and cold even with you hugging her through the night, your son snuggled between you both, wheezing in his sleep.
Now, he's dead. He's dead. HE'S DEAD. You feel so hollow and empty inside as you bring his body down, staring at it and fighting the urge to break down and will yourself to join your family in death.
You made a promise, not just to Uni, but to your mare and your babies that they would see Uni once again.
Your heart breaks, being a Fluffy Daddy was so... so fulfilling! It made every day wonderful to be alive, to know your babies were waiting for you to play with them, teach them to be good Fluffies.
You told them about Uni, the biggest, most beautiful (after their mumma) and most magical unicorn Fluffy who was leading Fluffies to a magical place.
Fluffies who joined you from the Cee-Tees said it was 'Sketti Wand', a place of endless Spaghetti, where Fluffies could play all day with nice hoomins who loved them, ride on toys made just for Fluffies, even find homes for themselves with the nice hoomins.
How the babies' eyes lit up when they heard that, how your mare sighed happily, all their hunger and pain forgotten for a few blissful moments.
Now... you have but one child left. A small, pale brown fillie with a shockingly bright-red mane and tail. Brandy the Second.
She's the only one that has managed to hold on to life, the only one that didn't fall sick from the lack of nummies, even though you can feel her ribs clearly when you give her huggies.
She's sitting there, dry-eyed and staring at her brother, her face inscrutable.
"Baybeh... we aww dat weft of famiwy." You whisper to her, placing your boy reverently down under a bush, tears still falling from your eyes.
"Fwuffie know. Fwuffie miss Mumma, miss Sissy, Miss Brudda." She whispers back, closing her eyes and sighing, sounding so much older than her single week of life could possibly suggest. "Buh we goin', Daddy? We goin' to see Uni, yes?"
Sigh and sob and laugh all at the same time, and let her climb up onto your back.
"Yes, Baybeh, we gon' see Uni. Daddy pwomise, an' Mumma wan' hew baybehs see Uni too, pway with Uni and eats wots of Sketti." You whisper to her as you shuffle off to rejoin the Herd, leaving your son to 'Sleep' alongside his mother under a prickly bush that will keep the Munstas from hurting them further.
As evening falls, you are all but falling over from weariness, but your daughter has had some nummies, where a nice hoomin had pulled up in a Fast Box Munsta and was distributing water and sweet nummies to the Fluffies.
"You keep going, you brave little things." She said, her face all wrinkled, smiling down at you as she handed out buttered peanut-butter-jelly sandwiches, which the herd dutifully broke down into bite-sized pieces, ate their share, and shuffled on after hugging the nice hoomin's ankles.
There's a lot of nice hoomins coming out now, saying they love Fluffy Ponies, want to see them make it to Sketti Wand.
Without them, you'd be dead by now, you're sure.
Some have Fluffies living with them in their Moving Safe Places, who cheer at you as well, saying they are going on ahead, and will be waiting for you at 'Sketti Wand'.
It's later that evening when you find the first of the Mean Herd, broken and bleeding, screaming about "Bad hoomins who gif huwties!"
They are quickly given Biggest Owies, and their bodies are rolled away from the road so that the Foals don't see them. They are evil fluffies who stole your nummies, and want to be special friends with Uni.
You once wanted to be like that. To make Uni your Special Friend, and yours alone.
Brandy changed that. Brandy filled your heart in ways that Uni never did.
You still love Uni, but Brandy will always live in your heart. You want to find Uni still, but so that she can teach your daughter to be a Good Fluffy too.
TO BE CONCLUDED.....
submitted by SkettiFamine to fluffycommunity [link] [comments]

2015 Offseason Review Series: Day 2 (Cleveland Browns)

Cleveland Browns

Division: AFC North

Intro

I don't think I need to pontificate too long one where the Cleveland Browns stand coming out of 2014. The Browns hit a promising 7-4 record after week 12, in spite of key injuries to Alex Mack and Jordan Cameron, with Josh Gordon suspended, and well-hyped rookie QB Johnny Manziel sitting on the bench. Most seasons, this would be considered a success of the new coaching staff and front office, and a sign that maybe the team was heading in the right direction for the first time in the Jimmy Haslam era, but things ended in a complete trainwreck by most accords: hometown hero QB Brian Hoyer wasn't playing up to snuff and would be benched for Manziel, who actually played worse. The lack of depth and internal drama within the coaching staff and front office became the headlines, and to make matters worse, Manziel would manage to find himself injured only 7 quarters into his football career during the Week 16 encounter against the Panthers.
Cleveland slammed the brakes hard and ended with a 7-9 record, with more questions than answers about the state of the team and the front office than ever. Hell, for most of this offseason, people have genuinely been wondering if Cleveland wasn't going to go out of its way to draft a replacement QB for Johnny Manziel, who barely played 2 games. If that doesn't tell you all you need to know how rough this season ended…
Having lived through awful regime after awful regime in the ownership (Randy "Aston Villa Enthusiast" Lerner), front office (Phil "How Much Can We Trade To Dallas" Savage, Carmen "Can't Wait to Go Back to Cali" Policy, and Mike "Worst Draft Gambler Of All Time" Holmgren), and the coaching staff (Butch "Arrogant Fuck" Davis, Romeo "Carl Winslow" Crennel, Eric "Mangina" Mangini, and Pat "Incompetent Shitbrick" Shurmur), all I'm hoping to get coming out of this offseason is a sign that things are on the right path for the first time in a while, and they may just be.

Coaching Changes

  • January 8, 2015: Offensive Coordinator Kyle Shanahan leaves the Cleveland Browns after disagreements with the front office.
  • January 9, 2015: QB’s coach Dowell Loggains is fired.
  • January 15, 2015: WR’s coach Mike McDaniel leaves the Browns in a mutual end.
  • January 21, 2015: The Browns hire John DeFilippo as the new Offensive Coordinator from Oakland.
  • January 28, 2015: The Browns hire Joker Phillips as the new WR coach, his first stint coaching in the NFL.
  • January 31, 2015: The Browns hire Kevin O’Connell as the new QB coach, his first stint coaching in the NFL
So the Browns had a busy January. >_>
The issues with Kyle Shanahan and the Cleveland Browns became so prevalent near the end of his run that they nearly eclipsed the Manziel discussion (at least locally) during the 5-game losing streak to end the 2014 campaign. He clearly didn’t see what the front office saw in Johnny Manziel and there was a lack in synergy between him, Mike Pettine, and the decision makers. It was also clear that Dowell Loggains might have been a contributor to the problems, stemming all the way back to draft night rumors that he’d been texting Johnny Manziel about “wrecking this league”. The move was inevitable, but all things considered, the Browns went from young offensive minds to more young offensive minds in their replacements.
While losing Shanahan’s “prodigal” offensive coaching ability hurt, gaining John DeFilippo, who had been instrumental in working with a young Mark Sanchez in his best season and seemed to have a positive early influence on Derek Carr, certainly softened the blow. DeFilippo fits with what Pettine wants in hard-nosed guys, and hopefully will be a catalyst towards some change on and off the field with this group. Adding Joker Phillips, who is seemingly eternally better suited as a coordinator, and Kevin O’Connell, who seems to be exclusively working to find young talent a QB, might have a set-up in Cleveland made for beyond 2016. It's not a sexy group of coaches, but they will be capable; inexperienced nevertheless, but still capable.

Free Agency

Coming off a mass coaching exodus on the offensive side of the ball, it's no surprise a lot of change in on-field personnel was coming this offseason as well:

Players Lost

Player Position New team
Brian Hoyer QB Texans
Jim Leonard SS Retired
Miles Austin WR Eagles
Jordan Cameron TE Dolphins
Ahtyba Rubin DL Seahawks
Jabaal Sheard OLB Patriots
Buster Skrine CB Jets
Paul McQuistan OL Released
Spencer Lanning P Buccaneers
Nick McDonald OL Released
Christian Yount LS Released
Major Losses: Brian Hoyer, Jordan Cameron, Ahtyba Rubin, Jabaal Sheard, Buster Skrine
When you’re losing 5 freaking starters from 2014, it’s never a good thing.
Brian Hoyer may have completely fallen apart in the second half of last season, but it’s become more and more difficult to determine where it was lost; was it coaching? Did Hoyer just go cold or was he never that good to begin with? Were we in love with the idea of him more than what he really was; a hometown boy who was peaking too quickly? Any way you dice it, after a dismal finish, Hoyer left, hopeful for greener pastures in Houston. When Hoyer had a healthy offensive line and was on point, he wasn't setting the world on fire, but looked capable enough to work as a system QB. Maybe he'll never go on to be more than a backup in the longer term, but with what limited time he had, Brian Hoyer, in spite of a 19-19 TD/INT line, was 10-6 as a starter, which by most counts is a playoff team. I don't think anyone wishes him ill, we just wish he'd been more 2013 Brian Hoyer.
He would be followed out after a, frankly, confusing free agency mess over Pro Bowl TE Jordan Cameron, which involved Charles Clay ending up in Buffalo and Cameron turning around after an offer from Cleveland and signing with Miami the same day. I heard this entirely play out on the radio as our hosts seemed to have less of a clue than I did as to what was going on. Any way you dice it, Cameron's venture out to free agency was not a graceful exit, but Cameron was an excellent athletic target when he was healthy. He removes a big piece from the passing game and if Miami can tap into him and keep him on the field, he can be a top-tier TE.
On the other side of the ball, some would argue that Ahtyba Rubin became disposable after a somewhat pedestrian 2014, only logging 28 tackles on what was considered a significantly poor defensive line, but Rubin was a leader on defense since 2008.
The same could be said about Jabaal Sheard, who slipped a bit in production last year but was locked into an odd spot between Krueger and Mingo in the pass rush, is only 26 years old, and still has potential for success in New England; and the fact that he was rather active with the Cleveland fan base only makes it a tougher.
Buster Skrine at any given time was the most beloved and most reviled CB in Cleveland Browns history, but he earned his keep in 2014 with a strong campaign in spite of young challengers at CB behind him.
Minor losses: Jim Leonard, Spencer Lanning
More than anything, Jim Leonard was a good dude, who was an impactful player on special teams, with a wealth of knowledge for younger players. But retirement comes to all. There are still some great veterans on this squad, but at the end of the day, solid support from well vested veterans does matter.
I'll miss you forever, Spencer Lanning.

Players Added

Player Position Old team
Josh McCown QB Buccaneers
Brian Hartline WR Dolphins
Dwayne Bowe WR Chiefs
Tramon Williams CB Packers
Randy Starks DL Dolphins
Rob Housler TE Cardinals
Thad Lewis QB Texans, Bills, Browns, fuck, maybe Argonauts?
Andy Lee P Niners (Trade)
Major Additons: Tramon Williams, Randy Starks, Brian Hartline, Dwayne Bowe
The Browns were sitting on a ton of draft picks and still had a lot of talent (when that talent decided to play...looking at you Justin Gilbert) from last year's draft. They needed to get younger while providing leadership on defense, and that's what two of these signings did. The other two were simply pick-ups that were by utter necessity. But there was still cap space to be shed by the Browns, and although they approached FA lightly (so as to accumulate compensatory picks in 2016)
Tramon Williams got himself $21 million because if you're a CB, Mike Pettine wants you on his team. I believe we currently have brought 94 CB's to camp this year. But beyond Pettine's depth-in-the-secondary fetish, Williams is a solid cover-man who can help alongside Joe Haden to add veteran leadership to the motley crue of CB's. Yes, he's 32, and he did get a bit big of a pay-day, but at this point, if you want Pierre Desir, Justin Gilbert, and Ka'Waun Williams to reach their potential (that's not even counting the other 2 freaking CB's we drafted), you need more than Haden to get them there with Skrine departing.
In the same vein, Randy Starks. Starks isn't going to set the world on fire on that defensive line, but he will likely not be asked to be the anchor with some other additions this offseason in the draft, and can provide guidance to the young players on a defensive line that was frankly...well, shit, and has been shit for any number of reasons for several years. Be it the health of the team or the lack of talent, stopping the run was a key point from this offseason, and the Browns actually took action to fix it.
Rounding out the big pieces on the FA class, your 2011 fantasy WRs! Neither Dwayne Bowe nor Brian Hartline has been anything more than above-average in their long-term careers, and there's any number of things you could blame that on; poor QB's, poor coaching staffs and offensive schemes, or their own limited ability as WR’s, but both bring one thing Cleveland lacks; veteran targets. With the departure of Miles Austin and...well, something else we'll get to shortly, the Browns have no weapons for whoever ends up throwing the damn ball aside from slot guys like Andrew Hawkins and Taylor Gabriel. Even if the Browns get very little in the long term from either guy, they are going to be the Browns' receiving corps in 2015; and both have plenty to prove.
Minor Additions: Josh McCown, Rob Housler, Andy Lee
Let's be clear: the signing of Josh "It's Josh Fucking McCown, Do We Even Need a Nickname?" McCown was not because the Browns thought he was some incredible QB who could be the answer. He's 34, he's coming off an awful season, and I think we all know the McCown "career backup" legacy he and his brother Luke have created. Honestly, McCown is here to be a quiet backup. Although he may be called on to start a bit this season, he's not here to be the long-term QB. The Browns fielded him a bit extra money because of the cap room, but he's here as a very, very short bridge to either seeing what we have in Johnny Manziel or "Cardared Hackookiel" next year. And that's fine. I'm not a huge fan of it on the whole, but in that sense, it at least is rooted in some reason.
Another injury-bugged TE in Rob Housler, Housler at least offers some hope of finding a target at the position for a team that lacks it. And he's only 27; he's still got a little time to get it right.
The trade to the 49ers was an odd one (mainly because if I wanted a special teams player from San Francisco, it would be PHIL WE MISS YOU) but Andy Lee is a damn good punter who will do one thing; facilitate the defense. If the offense is struggling as it seems they may, Lee should be able to pin the opposing team deep in their own territory to allow the defense to try and make them make mistakes.

Draft

...wait, there was supposed to be an angry rant here. Where'd I put that?
....no. No fucking way. The Browns didn't completely muck up this draft?
Player Round, Pick Analysis
Danny Shelton, DT, Washington 1.12 The main commitment from the Browns this year was to fix the run D, and Feast Mode is here to do just that. Shelton is a big, BIG boy at 339lbs, and although most expect him to be a 2-down player, he's an animated, deceptively quick anchor NT who happened to do his workouts for the draft in a fucking lava lava. He then won the hearts of America when he attempted to hit Goodell with the belly-to-belly suplex. We already love this dude, his story is incredible, and I hope he becomes a fixture on the defensive line for years, maybe even as a 3-down player if his weight keeps in check. It's high time we got the D-Line right in the long term.
Cameron Erving, OL, Florida State 1.19 In the bar I was sitting in watching on draft night, almost everyone walked out when the Browns passed on Breshad Perriman. Perriman may turn out to be a fantastic WR, but this pick was honestly way smarter than Farmer's gotten credit for: One, it provides a safety net for if Alex Mack opts to leave Cleveland after this offseason, as Erving was a more than capable C at FSU. Two, it pushes Mitchell Schwartz and John "Get Pushed Back Seven Yards Every Play" Greco into competition on the right side of the line. If you aren't elite, shoring up the lines is never a bad idea, and this was an investment with not just 2015 but 2016 and beyond in mind. That's something you don't see in Cleveland often.
Nate Orchard, OLB, Utah 2.19 A theme of this draft was "Let's pass on Jaelen Strong and make JohnnyFire angry", but we made up for that getting a guy who was just an awesome fit. Orchard may have been a bit of a "one-year sensation", but he also fits exactly the character and play style that Pettine is looking for in the pass rush and will quickly make up for the loss of Jabaal Sheard, as well as pushing Mingo and Kruger to keep up. This seemed so obvious even dumb me was able to predict it on the /Browns contest this year.
Duke Johnson, RB, Miami 3.13 At this point in the draft I'd accepted the Browns were just not going to take a WR, especially since now all of the ones with any hype (aside from Sammie Coates) were well off the board. That said, Duke Johnson possess speed that Terrance "Instagram Failure" West lacks and escapability that Isaiah "Lunchables Enthusiast" Crowell lacks, and he can catch passes. Yes, the Browns maybe didn't need Duke Johnson, but who cares; if there's a special player available as the BPA, you get him, and if Johnson lives up to his potential, he could be a huge get for the Browns.
Xavier Cooper, DL, Washington State 3.32 Much was made post-draft of how heavily the Browns scouted the Pac-12, and this is true when they garnered (to some) the best two D-Line prospects in the conference. Cooper actually fits a bit more of the mold of Randy Starks, and although he is a raw talent, he'll have a great mentor and get time to develop. To sneak up and grab a second highly-touted piece to stop the run and improve the Front 7 was incredibly solid of this FO.
Ibraheim Campbell, SS, Northwestern 4.16 Oh hey, the guy I always grabbed using the First-Pick simulator to bump up my final score in the 4th round! Truth is that Donte Whitner isn't going to be around forever, and Campbell was a strong S prospect (albeit in a weak class) that could learn well from the veteran, and will contribute heavily on special teams with the loss of Jim Leonard.
Vince Mayle, WR, Washington State 4.24 Okay, Farmer, let's talk a moment. I love what you did with this draft. I really do. But this is the first WR you opt to take? Yeah, Mayle has prototypical size, and yeah, he could certainly be molded into a solid weapon due to his raw athleticism. But in order to get to this point, you left on the board Devante Parker, Breshad Perriman, Phillip Dorsett, Devin Smith, Dorial Green Beckham, Devin Funchess, Tyler Lockett, Jaelen Strong, Chris Conley, Sammie Coates, Ty Montgomery, Jamison Crowder and Justin Hardy. Many of those guys I honestly didn't even want, but this pick sadly reeked of just being too-little-too-late. But I'm gonna root for Super Smash Bros. Mayle and hope he develops quickly.
Charles Gaines, CB, Louisville 6.13 Mike Pettine has a fetish for CB’s, we know this. Gaines lacks a lot in size, and that's the main thing that kept him from getting over the hump, but working in the slot and using his speed, he could be beyond just a depth or special teams guy when called upon. An okay depth move all things considered.
Malcolm Johnson, TE/HB, Mississippi State 6.19 With the Browns going run-first in 2015, you need to get someone who can work better as a FB than...god, I can't even make a joke here because I can't remember the name of a Browns FB to save my life. Johnson will probably end up being asked to be an H-Back TE who could slot in at FB and help open lanes, or push forward.
Randall Tefler, TE, USC 6.22 Another Pac-12 find. I wasn't a huge fan on many TE's in the draft class, although I would've liked to see the Browns make an effort to get someone more dynamic. That said, Tefler is a solid blocker who will likely be used to add depth/replace Gary Barnidge or Jim "Forgot About" Dray in the blocker TE role. If nothing else, a low-risk depth move.
Hayes Pullard, ILB, USC 7.2 A very patient player who seemed to lack the killer instinct that other ILB prospects showed on the field, Pullard this late was a decent pick-up. He'll have a good mentor in Dansby and he can function well as a role-player and special teams guy.
Ifo Ekpre-Olomu, CB, Oregon 7.24 I was actually watching the pre-Kentucky Derby at a casino in Cleveland when this pick was made, and there was an audible "HOLY CRAP!" from so many people around when the pick was finalized. There will be a lot asked for Captain IEO (He needs to moonwalk for his touchdown pick-6 return celebrations while "Another Part of Me" plays, real talk.) to get back to full strength in 2016, but if Ifo manages to get back to there and meets his expectations, this secondary could be fucking insane. Haden, Williams, a ton of young talent, and a guy who would've been a first round pick if he'd come out one year earlier. There was no risk in this; this late in the draft, see if you can't find your next Richard Sherman.
The main thing we didn't touch in this draft was WR, and yes, that list from earlier is true. I would've liked to see us add a pure WR1 here, but the commitment was clearly to round out this defense, which is exactly what the FO did. It was almost refreshing; a draft that wasn't going for splash players, but was made as honest-to-god building blocks for 4-5 years down the line. Using foresight in a Cleveland Browns draft, who'd have thought that was fucking possible?
Note: I also did a defending the draft piece which sums up most of what I said. Check out the whole series over at /NFL_Draft.

Other Offseason News That Affected The Team

...okay, fuck.
  • Johnny Rehab: Johnny Manziel basically hit the wall, and hit it hard, starting with a party on the Friday night before the season ending game in Baltimore, which resulted in a ton of drama and punishments for multiple members of the team. After every hot take that could ever be made about Manziel's ability to succeed and his potential dependency on the party life, Manziel finally checked into rehab on February 4th. I'm not sure where Manziel goes from this, honestly. Since his check out from rehab, he did have what seemed like a majonon-incident at a golf course, but he also left his party-enabling lavish apartment at "The 9" downtown to move to the suburbs, dropped the "Johnny Football" moniker, and by most accounts seems to be working his ass off after a first season that went absolutely off the rails. The Browns have dug themselves into a Manziel shaped hole, and 2015 is going to either tell us if Manziel can dig his own way out, both on and off the field, or just keep digging deeper until the Browns have to give up and try again in 2016. We'll see.
  • Text-gate-gate: Ray Farmer will be suspended for the first 4 games for sending texts down to the field discussing play calls. I'm conflicted, because it feels like Farmer is a good guy with an eye for late-round talent and UDFA's, who was jerked around in 2014 by Old Man Haslam. Was he doing Haslam’s stooge work here, or was he just passionate about righting the ship? Just...Ray, I like you for the most part. Please just stay out of trouble for 2015. I don't wanna turn over this organization yet.
  • Josh Gordon Suspended...Again: ..........sigh. Josh Gordon gets caught drinking on a plane after the regular season had ended during a trip to Vegas and gets tested upon landing. He didn't know he couldn't drink until the end of the entire season, and writes a passive aggressive letter about how he doesn't have a substance abuse problem and the entire team starts getting fingers pointed at, even drawing "Uncle" Phil Taylor into a response. Whether you think Gordon is an addict or not, it doesn't matter; he's been through the ringer and still doesn't fucking know better. If he's back in 2016 and can keep his moronic ass on the field, fantastic, because the Browns need him, but if not, this might be the end. Inevitably, he'll go win a Super Bowl somewhere else, we know this. But if you're trying to change the culture, you can't let this guy fuck up again, and they did. This many chances to play in the rules of the system he backed into on his own accord, it's frustrating to watch. He's got Megatron-level talent but his biggest enemy seems to be himself.
  • The new Browns, Same As the Old Browns: This year was Nike's rebranding for Cleveland, and things did not start well with the new logo, which was the same logo with a brighter gradient in spite of media hype and some internal push for how exciting the rebrand would be. It resulted in an insane amount of mockery early on as a result. Although the "brown was unchanged", the uniforms were not, and although the damn stripe that cuts off just before the shoulder pisses me off, they've grown on me a bit, so kudos on that much. Hopefully this is a catalyst to the culture change that front offices and fans in Cleveland have been dying for.

Projected Starting Lineup

Offense

QB: Josh McCown, followed by Johnny Manziel - Kind of hilarious that every pundit is suggesting that Josh McCown is being asked to be the long term starter for Cleveland as a 34 year old career backup, but I have a feeling that he'll be starting off the season. But at the end of the day, it's all down to Manziel to play this season. You must see what we have in this kid and take the good and the bad, because learning you have nothing is better than blindly hoping you have something. Or McCown.
RB: Duke Johnson - If you read into camp, Duke Johnson has been playing his dick off. I think that the RB1 role is going to be fluid with Crow and West, but Duke's pass-catching ability might move him into a prominent role faster than expected.
FB: Malcolm Johnson - We’ve got nobody else.
WR1: Dwayne Bowe - Bowe is the closest thing on this team to being a pure WR1 right now in the absence of veteran help or a true star, so he'll have this role.
WR2: Brian Hartline - Hartline worked well as a WR2 in Miami and he'll be called upon to be more of the same here. I expect Vince Mayle to be waiting in the wings.
Slot WR: Andrew Hawkins - After getting a...well, absurd contract in the steal from Cincinnati in 2014, Hawkins lived up to what was needed in the absence of big-bodied WR's in 2014 and should continue that trend. Taylor Gabriel and Travis Benjamin will be waiting.
TE: Rob Housler - This is honestly the biggest toss-up coming out of camp stories, because we don't know if Housler can truly make the jump this year. But I'd venture that Housler will be the top option with Barnidge getting some other opportunities and TefleDray getting blocking reps.
LT: Joe Thomas - ...duh.
LG: Joel Bittonio - ...yawn.
C: Alex Mack - ...zzz.
RG: Cameron Erving - Erving has been exponentially better as an inside lineman. I figure he will be moved between RG and RT as needed to see what sets work best with Greco and Schwartz, but I think he is ultimately an upgrade over Greco. His next best option would be to be at RT, and to move Schwartz into the RG role.
RT: Mitchell Schwartz - I believe this is his contract year, so he'll have a lot to prove either here or at RG, that he’s beyond his 5th round evaluation.

Defense

LDE: Desmond Bryant - Desmond played a tough 2014 campaign, and although Cooper will probably push him for this spot (along with Armonty Bryant), I think Desmond will have it locked down to start.
NT: Danny Shelton - Feast Mode is having a luau.
RDE: Randy Starks - Veteran presence wins out. Xavier Cooper might see some play time, but I don't see him completely lapping Starks. Expect Phil Taylor to also be in the mix here, if not at NT.
LOLB: Barkevious Mingo - Yes, a baby did eat my Mingo. Hopefully he can continue his progress into this season, because he needs to with Orchard nipping.
LILB: Karlos Dansby - A veteran leader coming off injury who should continue to be a spark in the LB corps.
RILB: Craig Robertson - I'd like to see Robertson make a stronger push this season into becoming a more well-rounded open-field defender, but he’ll do for now.
ROLB: Paul "T-1000" Kruger - THOSE EYES
CB1: Joe Haden - Haden's emergence as a leader and great talent at the CB position locks him in.
CB2: Tramon Williams - Tramon is going to have to battle to keep this all year; you've got a hungry bunch behind him in Gilbert/Williams/DesiGaines.
FS: Tashaun Gipson - Beyond the contract struggle, Gipson has been rock solid at the FS position lately and hopefully continues his progression.
SS: Donte Whitner - Twitter Troll Supreme

Special Teams

P: Andy Lee - Put 'em on the 1 yard line, Andy.
K: Not Billy Cundiff - At this point, fucking anybody. If I had to watch Billy Cundiff botch one more close distance FG I was going to lose my fucking mind.
KR: Marlon Moore - Moore's role on this team is pretty much exclusively this, but Duke Johnson and Travis Benjamin will likely challenge him. I hope Benjamin can turn back the clock and get his KR status back to the shape it once was.

Position Group Strengths and Weaknesses

Position Group Strengths Weaknesses
QB Manziel is still young. McCown won't do anything too stupid. Manziel is still a rookie. McCown won't do anything too smart.
RB Depth. Three dynamic backs bringing something different to the table with each. Lack of experience; two sophomores and a rookie.
WTE Lots of guys with a lot to prove. That proof needs to come fast: no proven talent, no proven game-changers, no proven big-bodied true WR1.
O-Line Depth has been added, the left side is fucking impeccable, could be a top 10 line this year if all are healthy. The weakest point (Mitchell Schwartz) will be pretty weak comparatively.
D-Line Heavy investment in developing the Lake Erie Buffet Line with Starks, Shelton, and Cooper. A few odd-men out in the rotation, need to get Shelton to speed quick.
LB Corps Strong veteran presence, Mingo getting better. But if the pass rush does improve, is it time to revamp again?
Secondary Deep as fuck, young, two strong starters and solid nickel options. I still wouldn't want to run sets with Haden not on the field; where does Gilbert fit?
Special Teams We don't have Billy Cundiff anymore. Our kicker is not Phil Dawson.

Training Camp Battles to Watch

QB - Manziel vs McCown: The obvious answer here. Will Manziel make enough progress to wrestle away the starting job from McCown before we need to go with McCown being forced into high-pressure situations? COULD CONNOR SHAW EMERGE AND DESTROY SOME WORLDS AND SHOCK EVERYONE?!
RB - Johnson vs West vs Crowell: Early line says Crowell will be the starter because he appears the most well rounded; West has a plow-forward play style that might be in better shape with the healthy offensive line; Johnson is a dynamic pass-catching back with elusiveness. I'm with the Duke, and all 3 should get touches, but who knows?
TE - Housler vs Barnidge: This is the closest thing to competition in the receiving corps we'll have due to proven talent ahead at everything else. I think Housler locks it down but both should find playing time.
RT/RG - Greco vs Schwartz vs Erving: How this eventually plays out should be interesting to watch; it's going to come down to whatever two make the most sense opening up on the line. For me, it's Erving at RG and Schwartz at RT, but it all depends.
DE - Bryant vs Starks vs Cooper vs Taylor vs A. Bryant: With Armonty Bryant and Uncle Phil healthy, there could be serious competition for the ends this year; Cooper and Taylor have to fit somewhere, and Armonty played his ass off in limited time in 2014.
CB2 - Tramon Williams vs The field: Can Justin Gilbert step up and take away the CB2 role from the veteran? Can a Ka'Waun Williams jump into the lead role, or even Pierre Desir? Is Charles Gaines capable enough to tap into finesse and take the spot?

Let's Talk Schemes, With JohnnyFire, Who Doesn't Know How Schemes Work For Shit

This was an optional point of the review, but hey, lemme attempt to work it out.
Offensive scheme: In case it wasn't obvious, with the offensive line shoring and the addition of another talented RB, the Browns are going to be working a run-first offense. Everything will be going through the ground game, meaning the interior of the line will be called on to open up big run lanes early. It also means that we're not going to be gunslinging, least of all with McCown in there. The short passing game and smart out-routes will likely be the staples for this offense until we get another weapon in 2016, so I expect Hawkins (and Johnson as an option) to get tons of looks. Long term, it’s also key that we play into what strengths Manziel actually exhibits, and not try to fit a square peg into a round hole here; Manziel's legs and deep-ball awareness can still be tapped into if asked. It's going to be a bit of a mish-mash ground-and-pound short-game offense in 2015, unless Manziel's skill set has expanded far beyond what we think.
Defensive scheme: Jim O'Neill's D shouldn't be changing up too much, only becoming expanded on with more playmakers. O'Neill suggested that although the Browns are currently running a 3-4, the talent they have could open up some 4-3 sets (likely meaning we would see a front 4 of Bryant/TayloShelton/Starks or Cooper, with a 3-rush LB of KrugeDansby/Mingo. That's very intriguing.) I wish I could go more technical into this, but quite honestly, it's not my forte; I just know that Pettine and O'Neill wanted a strong all-around D, and although we need to see what the new additions actually do, on paper, it looks like a strong squad now and moving forward.

Schedule Predictions

The Browns have a tougher schedule than they did in 2014, and with much of the same defense and an offense in transition, they went 7-9. The offense is now in limbo while the defense got better, so...ehhhhhh? I'll aim for as reasonable as I can.
Week 1: @ New York Jets: New York's revamped D is solid, but their offense could still sink them. If the Browns can make their offense falter early, they'll have a chance, but winning week 1 on the road isn't exactly easy. Let's assume the D is up to the challenge for NYJ right off the bat and make this a close defensive effort on both fronts, with Cleveland losing a tough one. Cleveland loses 17-13 (0-1)
Week 2: vs Tennessee Titans: Here's the coming out party for this defense and the first chance to see if this offense is good enough. Tennessee's team is just flatly lacking in overall talent right now, although they do have some playmakers here. The last thing the Browns want is to get spanked by oft-mocked-to-them Mariota. I think they can pull off a motivated home opener win. Cleveland wins 20-14 (1-1)
Week 3: vs Oakland Raiders: Oakland, in my view, had a pretty solid draft, but I'm not sure they've entirely turned the corner, even with the emergence of Derek Carr. I think a strong defensive front and the strong secondary can keep him in check long enough for whoever is slinging the ball to keep it together into a solid but close win. Cleveland wins 24-21 (2-1)
Week 4: @ San Diego Chargers: Unfortunately I can't see Cleveland heading out to the West Coast and dominating a still fairly tough Chargers team. Unless they rattle Rivers hard and fast right off the bat, but that's doubtful honestly. They could keep it competitive though. Cleveland loses 28-17 (2-2)
Week 5: @ Baltimore Ravens: The Browns have not won in Baltimore since 2007, and only 3 times since 1999. That's...bad. And Baltimore is still good enough to keep that trend up I fear after an offensive reload. Cleveland loses 35-20 (2-3)
Week 6: vs Denver Broncos: You have no idea how much I'd love to spank Peyton Manning at home, and I'd imagine this will probably be closer with the Browns getting some attention against the tougher team. But I can't doubt Denver just yet; I do think the downfall for Denver may be on the horizon, but not yet. Cleveland loses 31-21 (2-4)
Week 7: @ St. Louis Rams: Another "Tough D vs so-so Offense" matchup. My hope is by now the offense will have settled in with whoever's at the helm (I'd assume Manziel by this point) and can get the big road win, even though this could be a toss up if Nick Foles and the strong D finally make this St. Louis's "next year" we've been waiting on. Ah, fuck it. Let's call it an upset. Cleveland wins 18-17. (3-4)
Week 8: vs Arizona Cardinals: I have pretty high hopes for Arizona if they stay healthy, and at the mid-point of the season, that's pretty much all it will come down to. This is the start of a tough 3-game swing for Cleveland and if Carson and the D remains upright, I think they dispatch the Browns post haste. Cleveland loses 24-13 (3-5)
Week 9: @ Cincinnati Bengals: ALERT! ALERT! Primetime Andy Dalton Game! Primetime Andy Dalton Game! We probably will actually get blown out as revenge for last season, but fuck it, I have to rip on someone other than my own team at some point in these predictions! Cleveland wins 24-21 (4-5)
Week 10: @ Pittsburgh Steelers: Fucking Steelers with their good drafting and respectable organization and history of winning and Super Bowls. And then they have a solid 2015 draft too. But hey, their RB smokes weed and got caught and got suspended everyone point and laugh, please, my self esteem needs it, HAHAHAHA--we're not winning this game are we? Cleveland loses 30-13 (4-6)
Week 11: Bye
Week 12: vs Baltimore Ravens: Monday Night Football in Cleveland, OH. Reason dictates that this will be the biggest game of Cleveland's season, and coming off the bye and a tough in-division loss to Pittsburgh, I'm going to buck the trend here and say that Cleveland pulls off the upset and wins a key game in primetime in the division, shutting down the revamped offense and Sam the Eagle. Cleveland wins 27-21 (5-6)
Week 13: vs Cincinnati Bengals: Damnit, I wanted two games with Primetime Andy Dalton. If we take the jokes aside, the Bengals are a strong squad that will be in playoff contention, and this late in the season, this will probably be a must-win for them. Cleveland loses 28-14 (5-7)
Week 14: vs San Francisco 49ers: I honestly feel bad for San Francisco at this point. They're probably not going to completely fall off, but coming into a year wish such promise, there has just been so much turnover in that organization this year it's almost mind numbing. I'd hope Cleveland can keep their heads up and take advantage of it. Cleveland wins 31-18 (6-7)
Week 15: @ Seattle Seahawks: ......fuck. Cleveland loses 35-13 (6-8)
Week 16: @ Kansas City Chiefs: Because going from the loudest stadium in the NFL to the second loudest stadium in the NFL is just a thing that happens. Cleveland loses 27-24 (6-9)
Week 17: vs Pittsburgh Steelers: There is nothing more important in any given season than logging a win against the fucking Pittsburgh Steelers. At least until we get over this mental and metaphysical hump that has held the Browns down for so damn long in their own wallowing. After two tough challenges on the road, I think the Browns can pull off one season-ending upset in spite of everything to end the season strong and accomplish two things: match last year's record without an elite QB, and hit .500 in the division. Cleveland wins 17-14 (7-9)

Verdict:

Reasonably, I'd say between 6-10 (drop either the STL or PIT game) and 8-8 (win against SD early?) is pretty solid. Our offense just plainly is not good enough right now. If Cleveland shows up for some big games or takes advantage of their strength on defense early, they might be able to break .500, but I don't see this squad hitting the playoffs in 2015. The lack of a franchise QB limits my optimism for toss ups.

Wrap-Up

I said last year that the most important thing for Cleveland in 2014 was not to make a playoff push or to win "x" amount of games; it was to facilitate a culture change, to get away from the "LOLBROWNS" and the "woe is me" that has permeated the organization since their return from expansion. Many people have tried to make that happen, but stupid moves, or regressions, or giving up too early, or just plainly getting the wrong players at the wrong time, it's all added up to misery. With that said...this is the closest I've seen this team to having a long-term plan in place to get over that hump. Yes, you have some issues on offense, but the offseason, the draft, the move to get more compensatory picks in 2016, the feeling that Pettine and Farmer are locked in, it's a good feeling.
Are the Browns going to light the world on fire in 2015? No. But they don't need to right now. Get that defense up to working speed. Keep the run game and offensive line strong. Don't panic fire Pettine or Farmer because things don't add up to a 10-6 finish. Don't start scrambling around or getting cheeky with your QB if things go crazy. I no longer see this team as rebuilding, but rather finally fucking building; investing heavily in the trenches and crafting a strong defense. There have been growing pains of this regime, but unlike in the Holmgren era, or the Policy era, or the Savage era, it doesn't feel for naught. There is something being established, and if we as fans can have some patience for a change, I think we could see the second half of this decade be very, very fun if the course stays.
...or we'll be LOLBROWNS again. Such is the cycle of Browns fans.
Special thanks to admiralkit, TheFencingCoach, skepticismissurvival, TheVetNoob, everyone over on /Browns, and Dusty Rhodes. We been through some Hard Times, bay-beh.
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What's happening around town (Wed, Aug 2nd - Tue, Aug 8th)

Oklahoma City's event list.

Wednesday, Aug 2nd

Thursday, Aug 3rd

  • Art After 5 Roof Terrace (Oklahoma City Museum of Art - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 5:00pm OKCMOA’s Roof Terrace gives visitors the ultimate downtown experience every Thursday evening from April through October with live local music, the best views of downtown OKC, a relaxing atmosphere, and a cash bar. (Weather Permitting.) Bands starting at 6 pm-9 pm See website for listings
  • Aunt Eller (The Sooner Theatre - Norman) Start Time: 7:30pm Music by Richard Rodgers Book and Lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein II Original Dances by Agnes de Mille Based on the play "Green Grow the Lilacs" by Lynn Riggs
  • 😂 Ben Creed (Loony Bin Comedy Club - Oklahoma City) Thru Sat, Aug 5th Ben Creed is an old school comedian. His voice is gravelly, his material is hilarious and brutally honest. He is the kind of performer who you want to take out with you because you know that by the end of the night it will have taken on legendary status. Ben was featured on a video called comedy’s dirtiest dozen with the likes of Tim Allen and…
  • The Blend (Remington Park - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 9:00pm
  • 🎨 Blockbusted Video: Monthly VHS Films (IAO Gallery - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:30pm Blockbusted Video is an interactive video screening series exploring camp, commercialism, and cultural nostalgia. Participants are presented with three VHS tapes which range from forgotten Hollywood films, instructional videos, and home-recorded relics. The crowd must then vote on which tape they will “rent” for the screening. Audience…
  • 🎨 Cartoons & Comics: The Early Art of Tom Ryan (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 10:00am Acclaimed Western artist Tom Ryan (1922-2011) spoke often about those who inspired him: N.C. Wyeth, Howard Pyle, Frank Reilly, even Rembrandt. Yet sketches from the Museum’s Dickinson Research Center reveal another influence — cartoons and comic strips. Dating from 1936 to 1945, the small drawings provide a snapshot of Ryan’s high school…
  • 🎨 CODED_COUTURE Exhibit (Oklahoma Contemporary - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 9:00am The CODEDCOUTURE exhibition looks at the intersection of fashion and technology. Couture clothes are manufactured to a customer’s specific requirements. CODEDCOUTURE offers a new definition of couture, using computer coding as the ultimate design tool for customizing clothing and accessories. The clothing in this exhibition can act as a lie…
  • Concerts in the Park (Yukon City Park, Freedom Trail Park & Chisholm Trail Park - Yukon) Last Day Enjoy free concerts every Thursday during the summer months in Yukon. Concerts in the Park, held in Yukon's Chisholm…
  • 🎨 A Date with the Duke (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 5:00pm Grab a partner and join Museum Docents to explore the current panel exhibition commemorating the legendary Chisholm Trail’s 150th anniversary as well as the Western Performers and Cowboy galleries. Guests can whet their appetites with a cash bar and scrumptious BBQ buffet – featuring brisket, chicken, ribs, and a selection of gourmet sides…
  • 🎨 Drink and Draw (Okay See - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 8:00pm Drink & Draw is hosted every Thursday at either Brass Bell Studios, The Okay See, or Tree & Leaf from 8-11pm.
    Here is the weekly schedule:
    1st Thursday: The Okay See
    2nd Thursday: Brass Bell Studios
    3rd - 4th - 5th Thursdays: Tree & Leaf
    Drink & Draw is open to anyone that wants to attend. While consuming alcohol is welcome, it…
  • Extended Summer Hours (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 5:00pm “Pourings on the Plaza” offers guests a cash bar in the elegant covered area of the Western States Plaza. Grassland Caravan performs progressive bluegrass, honoring the genre’s roots with traditional tunes and new music, between 5:00 – 7:30 p.m. Visit the Museum’s collections and exhibitions, browse The Museum Store, and grab a bite at…
  • Husbands / Berry / WAD (51st st. Speakeasy - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 8:00pm A night of great rock music at a great venue
  • OKC All Sports Association Annual Sidewalk Sale (Leadership Square - Oklahoma City) Day 2 of 2 Start Time: 10:00am Oklahoma City All Sports functions as OKC’s Sports Commission. We bring Big 12 & NCAA Championships to the city and host them while they’re here. We are having our annual sidewalk sale that includes NCAA & Big 12 polos ,ice chest & water coolers, T-Shirts and more.
  • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Management Support Group (Mental Health Association Oklahoma main office - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm PTSD is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience of witnessing of life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or physical or sexual assault in adult or childhood. Some people will have stress reactions that do not go away on their own, or may even get worse…
  • Pourings on the Plaza - Grassland Caravan (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 5:00pm Pourings on the Plaza offers guests a cash bar in the elegant covered area of the Western States Plaza. Visit the Museum’s collections and exhibitions, browse The Museum Store, and grab a bite at a food truck. Every Thursday in August, the Museum galleries and The Museum Store are open until 8:00 p.m. Admission after 5:00 p.m. is $5 per…
  • 🎨 Read the West Book Club: The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm Sherman Alexie’s celebrated first collection, The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven, established its author as one of America’s most important and provocative voices. The basis for the award-winning movie Smoke Signals, it remains one of his best loved and widely praised books twenty years after its initial publication. Vividly…
  • Slim Bawb and Steve Judice (The Blue Door - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 8:00pm
  • Snail Mail (89th Street Collective - Oklahoma City) Snail Mail with Urbane Ponytail + 2 more TBA http://pitchfork.com/features/rising/10027-snail-mails-lindsey-jordan-is-the-wisest-teenage-indie-rocker-we-know/ $8/$10
  • 🎨 Summer Adult Classes (Oklahoma Contemporary - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 10:00am Expand your skills and explore your creativity this summer. Enrollment opens May 4 for our four- and eight-week classes designed for artists at any level. Under the guidance of experienced instructors, classes are available in ceramics, 2-D arts and fiber arts. You can also sign up for open studio hours in our photography darkroom, one of only a…
  • 🎨 Summer Camp Contemporary (Oklahoma Contemporary - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 9:00am With a different artist each of 11 weeks and nearly 60 camps for students in K–ninth grade, there’s plenty to explore at bit.ly/OCsummer. Keep kids creative and learning in camps featuring visual arts, music, hip-hop, fiber, clay, performance, robotics and more. Whole Foods Market will provide free healthy snacks for all summer camps.
  • 🏆 SUMMER DAY SKATE (Skate Galaxy - Oklahoma City) Day 2 of 2 Start Time: 11:00am SUMMER DAY SKATE HOURS!!! EVERY WED,THURS, & FRI 11am-2pm Admission is only $6
    we also have summer passes on sale! $30 gets you unlimited admission to all day skate sessions may 31st - aug 11th
  • 🎨 Summer Signature Tour (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 1:00pm Meets at Canyon Princess (cougar sculpture in West Hallway) From Remington and Russell to Native American works, see some of the finest Western art in the country during this docent-facilitated Museum tour. View ethnographic material from Native Americans and mountain men, and learn about frontier military life. Round out the tour with a look at…
  • Survivors of Suicide Support Group (Mental Health Association Oklahoma main office - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm Nearly 31,000 people take their own lives each year. As a survivor – a family member or friend of the victim – you may need help coming to terms with suicide. This group offers the opportunity to share, listen, teach and learn with others also overcoming the loss of a loved one. Meetings are held on the 1st and 3rd Thursdays of each month at…
  • 🎨 Vintage Black Heroes: The Chisholm Kid (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 10:00am The first black cowboy to be featured in a comic strip, The Chisholm Kid appeared from 1950 – 1954 in the Pittsburgh Courier’s comic insert. To mark the 150th anniversary of the Chisholm Trail – and to pay homage to the 5,000 – 9,000 black cowboys who drove cattle along the trail from Texas to Kansas following the Civil War – this…
  • Weekly Walkups (Myriad Botanical Gardens - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 10:00am
  • 🏃 Zumba (Pioneer Library System - Moore) Start Time: 6:00pm Join us for Zumba, a combination of Latin and International music that creates a dynamic, exciting, and effective fitness system. Zumba meets every Thursday evening at 6 pm, so be sure to join us every week. Participants must sign a waiver at each class, and anyone under 18 must have parent/guardian consent and signature. No registration is…

Friday, Aug 4th

  • AQHYA World Youth Championship Quarter Horse Show (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Sat, Aug 12th The AQHYA World Youth Championship Quarter Horse Show arrives in Oklahoma City. This is one of the top youth events in…
  • 😂 Ben Creed (Loony Bin Comedy Club - Oklahoma City) 1 day left Ben Creed is an old school comedian. His voice is gravelly, his material is hilarious and brutally honest. He is the kind of performer who you want to take out with you because you know that by the end of the night it will have taken on legendary status. Ben was featured on a video called comedy’s dirtiest dozen with the likes of Tim Allen and…
  • Casey Donahew in Concert (Diamond Ballroom - Oklahoma City) Step into your finest pair of cowboy boots and head to Diamond Ballroom in Oklahoma City. Navigate to your seat inside…
  • Yukon FFA IPRA Rodeo (Yukon Round-Up Club Arena - Yukon) Day 1 of 2 If you love rodeos and feel like having a fun, exciting time, head to Yukon for the Yukon FFA IPRA-sanctioned rodeo held…
  • FireLake Fireflight Balloon Festival (Citizen Potawatomi Nation Pow Wow Grounds - Shawnee) Thru Sun, Aug 6th Watch the Shawnee skyline transform into a mix of bright, brilliant colors as hot air balloons launch from the Citizen…
  • First Friday Gallery Walk (Paseo Arts District - Oklahoma City) The First Friday Gallery Walk in the Paseo Arts District occurs on the first Friday of every month. Friday night…
  • Tuttle Rodeo (Schrock Park - Tuttle) Day 1 of 2 Join the citizens of Tuttle for two evenings of rodeo thrills and excitement. This family-friendly event will include a…
  • War on the Catwalk (Rose State College Hudiburg Chevrolet Center - Midwest City) See a fashion-forward live performance as "RuPaul's Drag Race" contestants strut across the catwalk. Held…

Saturday, Aug 5th

  • 6th Anniversary of Coffee & Cars OKC- brought to you by Synergy Advisors (Coffee and Cars OKC - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 8:00am Join Us for our 6th Anniversary of CoffeeandCarsOKC @ Northpark Mall (on 122nd & May)
    Bring what you got, or just come and look. No cost, plenty of room! TELL YOUR FELLOW CAR LOVERS
    -Spectators, please park in the north parking lot-
    Code of Conduct *NO Burnouts *No Parking on the Grass *NO Speeding *Pick-up Your Trash *Obey Traffic Laws *No…
  • Alter Bridge (Starlight Amphitheater @ Frontier City - Oklahoma City) Spend the day splashing in the Renegade Rapids or screaming on the Silver Bullet at Frontier City Theme Park before…
  • An Evening of Oklahoma Film & Music (The State Theatre - Harrah) Celebrate Oklahoma art with a trip to Harrah's State Theatre for an Evening of Oklahoma Film and Music. Hosted by…
  • AQHYA World Youth Championship Quarter Horse Show (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Sat, Aug 12th The AQHYA World Youth Championship Quarter Horse Show arrives in Oklahoma City. This is one of the top youth events in…
  • 😂 Ben Creed (Loony Bin Comedy Club - Oklahoma City) Last Day Ben Creed is an old school comedian. His voice is gravelly, his material is hilarious and brutally honest. He is the kind of performer who you want to take out with you because you know that by the end of the night it will have taken on legendary status. Ben was featured on a video called comedy’s dirtiest dozen with the likes of Tim Allen and…
  • Elf Power et al. (Opolis - Norman)
  • Yukon FFA IPRA Rodeo (Yukon Round-Up Club Arena - Yukon) Day 2 of 2 If you love rodeos and feel like having a fun, exciting time, head to Yukon for the Yukon FFA IPRA-sanctioned rodeo held…
  • FireLake Fireflight Balloon Festival (Citizen Potawatomi Nation Pow Wow Grounds - Shawnee) 1 day left Watch the Shawnee skyline transform into a mix of bright, brilliant colors as hot air balloons launch from the Citizen…
  • Jarren Benton et al. (Farmer's Market - Oklahoma City)
  • OKC Energy FC vs Real Monarchs (Taft Stadium - Oklahoma City) Experience the excitement of major league soccer in Oklahoma as the Oklahoma City Energy Football Club takes on the Real…
  • Oklahoma Craft Beer Summit (Tower Theatre Studio - Oklahoma City) Get your tickets now and join hundreds of other beer nuts at the Oklahoma Craft Beer Summit. Held in the iconic Tower…
  • Oklahoma Victory Dolls Bout Schedule (Arctic Edge Ice Arena - Edmond) Catch the buzz as the Oklahoma Victory Dolls put on an electrifying dance of athleticism and grace when jammers and…
  • Oklahoma City Pet Expo (Cox Convention Center - Oklahoma City) Day 1 of 2 Bring your pet down to the Cox Convention Center for this pet-centric event. At the Oklahoma City Pet Expo, visit…
  • Red Brick Nights (Oklahoma Ave & Wentz Ave - Guthrie) From May to September, look forward to Guthrie's monthly Red Brick Nights, the town's food truck and live…
  • R.K. Gun Show (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Day 1 of 2 For a high quality gun show with great prices and selection, visit the R.K. Gun Show in Oklahoma City. Held at Oklahoma…
  • Tuttle Rodeo (Schrock Park - Tuttle) Day 2 of 2 Join the citizens of Tuttle for two evenings of rodeo thrills and excitement. This family-friendly event will include a…
  • Sammy Kershaw in Concert (Riverwind Casino - Norman) Gather with the crowd to see Sammy Kershaw perform live at Riverwind Casino in Norman. This chart-topping country…
  • Westlake Classic Car Show (Edmond) Start Time: 9:00am Car Show 9am-2pm Entry Fee: $15; Preregistration $10 All proceeds will benefit Children's Miracle Network. Rain-out date set for 8/19 For more info Phone: Charolett Roby 405-844-4117

Sunday, Aug 6th

  • AQHYA World Youth Championship Quarter Horse Show (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Sat, Aug 12th The AQHYA World Youth Championship Quarter Horse Show arrives in Oklahoma City. This is one of the top youth events in…
  • 🏃 Arcadia Lake Triathlon & Aquabike (Spring Creek Park, Arcadia Lake - Edmond) The Triathlon Club of Oklahoma City is pleased to announce that the 2016 Arcadia Lake Triathlon is the USAT SMW Regional Sprint Distance Triathlon Championship.
  • FireLake Fireflight Balloon Festival (Citizen Potawatomi Nation Pow Wow Grounds - Shawnee) Last Day Watch the Shawnee skyline transform into a mix of bright, brilliant colors as hot air balloons launch from the Citizen…
  • matchbox twenty / Counting Crows (Zoo Amphitheatre - Oklahoma City) Make room in your schedule this October as Matchbox Twenty and Counting Crows take the stage at Oklahoma City's Zoo…
  • Oklahoma City Pet Expo (Cox Convention Center - Oklahoma City) Day 2 of 2 Bring your pet down to the Cox Convention Center for this pet-centric event. At the Oklahoma City Pet Expo, visit…
  • R.K. Gun Show (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Day 2 of 2 For a high quality gun show with great prices and selection, visit the R.K. Gun Show in Oklahoma City. Held at Oklahoma…

Monday, Aug 7th

Tuesday, Aug 8th

  • AQHYA World Youth Championship Quarter Horse Show (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Sat, Aug 12th The AQHYA World Youth Championship Quarter Horse Show arrives in Oklahoma City. This is one of the top youth events in…
  • Food Truck Tuesdays (Jackson - Blanchard) Every week, treat your taste buds to new flavors. During Food Truck Tuesdays, a different food truck will park in…
  • Foxygen ([email protected] Performance Lab - Oklahoma City)
  • Tab Benoit (VZD's - Oklahoma City)
  • Wheeler Criterium (Oklahoma City) Once the weather starts warming up, gather your crew and head south of the Oklahoma River for the Wheeler Criterium each…

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What's happening around town (Wed, Aug 9th - Tue, Aug 15th)

Oklahoma City's event list.

Wednesday, Aug 9th

Thursday, Aug 10th

  • 🎨 An Evening with Eastwood (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 5:00pm Enjoy live music and a cash bar on the Western States Plaza, followed by a scrumptious hot and cold Mexican buffet featuring skirt-steak fajitas, tortilla-crusted salmon, chicken enchiladas, and a selection of gourmet sides, prepared by The Petroleum Club of Oklahoma City. Dine while watching Sergio Leone’s spaghetti Western masterpiece, The…
  • AQHYA World Youth Championship Quarter Horse Show (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Sat, Aug 12th The AQHYA World Youth Championship Quarter Horse Show arrives in Oklahoma City. This is one of the top youth events in…
  • Art After 5 Roof Terrace (Oklahoma City Museum of Art - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 5:00pm OKCMOA’s Roof Terrace gives visitors the ultimate downtown experience every Thursday evening from April through October with live local music, the best views of downtown OKC, a relaxing atmosphere, and a cash bar. (Weather Permitting.) Bands starting at 6 pm-9 pm See website for listings
  • Canterbury Youth Voices Auditions (Oklahoma City University - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 5:00pm The Canterbury Youth Voices of the Oklahoma City, the education program of Canterbury Voices, will be holding their last audition for the 2017-2018 season on Thursday, August 10th. Choirs are open to singers entering grades 2-12 from all over the metro area. Auditions are kid-friendly and require no prepared materials. Visit our website for…
  • 🎨 Cartoons & Comics: The Early Art of Tom Ryan (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 10:00am Acclaimed Western artist Tom Ryan (1922-2011) spoke often about those who inspired him: N.C. Wyeth, Howard Pyle, Frank Reilly, even Rembrandt. Yet sketches from the Museum’s Dickinson Research Center reveal another influence — cartoons and comic strips. Dating from 1936 to 1945, the small drawings provide a snapshot of Ryan’s high school…
  • 🎨 CODED_COUTURE Exhibit (Oklahoma Contemporary - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 9:00am The CODEDCOUTURE exhibition looks at the intersection of fashion and technology. Couture clothes are manufactured to a customer’s specific requirements. CODEDCOUTURE offers a new definition of couture, using computer coding as the ultimate design tool for customizing clothing and accessories. The clothing in this exhibition can act as a lie…
  • 🎨 Drawing the Portrait in Charcoal with Monte Thompson (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm Use charcoal’s expressive quality to capture emotion and personality with a live model. Learn how to incorporate gesture, line, and value using vine and compressed charcoal. This session features one-on-one instruction with a renowned teaching artist. Instructor: Monte Thompson (montethompson.com). Thursday evenings in August for three weeks…
  • Extended Summer Hours (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 5:00pm “Pourings on the Plaza” offers guests a cash bar in the elegant covered area of the Western States Plaza. Grassland Caravan performs progressive bluegrass, honoring the genre’s roots with traditional tunes and new music, between 5:00 – 7:30 p.m. Visit the Museum’s collections and exhibitions, browse The Museum Store, and grab a bite at…
  • Gideon with Varials (89th Street Collective - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm with Sledge, Omen and Only $12/$14
  • Heros Ball (Skirvin Hilton - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm The Oklahoma Institute for Child Advocacy will turn the Skirvin Hotel into its own Gotham City. The adults will have a "super" time during our adult ball which features dinner, silent auction and a Hero Awards presentation. Children will have a "wonder" filled time of dancing, crafts, and a super movie.
  • 🎨 Issac Diaz + Billy Reid / Artist Reception (DNA galleries - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm Featured in our gallery for the month of August is the work of Oklahoma artists Issac Diaz and Billy Reid. Learn more about these artists at: https://www.instagram.com/the_billy_reid/ https://www.instagram.com/uoqaus/ Join us Thursday, August 10th from 6-9pm for the Artist Preview Reception preceding our regularly scheduled 2nd Friday Opening…
  • 😂 Kevin Bozeman (Loony Bin Comedy Club - Oklahoma City) Thru Sat, Aug 12th
  • Marissa Raglin + Issac Diaz / Exhibition Opening (DNA galleries - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm
  • McClain County Democratic Party Meeting (The Rusty Knot - Purcell) Start Time: 6:00pm Monthly meeting of the McClain County Democratic Party.
    Guest Speaker: Michael Kelsey, Executive VP - Oklahoma Cattleman's Association.
  • 🎨 Oil Painting Workshop - Jim Cobb (The Depot - Norman) Day 2 of 2 Start Time: 9:00am Artist Jim Cobb, whose work is on display in The Depot Gallery through August 27, is offering an oil painting workshop on August 9 and 10, 2017, for beginning to intermediate students. Tuition is $120 for the two day workshop, which will meet from 9 am to 4 pm each day with a lunch break. Contact The Depot at 405-307-9320 for more details and to…
  • Pourings on the Plaza - Casey and Minna (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 5:00pm Pourings on the Plaza offers guests a cash bar in the elegant covered area of the Western States Plaza. Visit the Museum’s collections and exhibitions, browse The Museum Store, grab a bite at a food truck, and enjoy different live music each Thursday. Casey and Minna will join us on August 10! Every Thursday in August, the Museum galleries…
  • 🎨 Summer Adult Classes (Oklahoma Contemporary - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 10:00am Expand your skills and explore your creativity this summer. Enrollment opens May 4 for our four- and eight-week classes designed for artists at any level. Under the guidance of experienced instructors, classes are available in ceramics, 2-D arts and fiber arts. You can also sign up for open studio hours in our photography darkroom, one of only a…
  • 🎨 Summer Camp Contemporary (Oklahoma Contemporary - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 9:00am With a different artist each of 11 weeks and nearly 60 camps for students in K–ninth grade, there’s plenty to explore at bit.ly/OCsummer. Keep kids creative and learning in camps featuring visual arts, music, hip-hop, fiber, clay, performance, robotics and more. Whole Foods Market will provide free healthy snacks for all summer camps.
  • 🏆 SUMMER DAY SKATE (Skate Galaxy - Oklahoma City) Day 2 of 2 Start Time: 11:00am SUMMER DAY SKATE HOURS!!! EVERY WED,THURS, & FRI 11am-2pm Admission is only $6
    we also have summer passes on sale! $30 gets you unlimited admission to all day skate sessions may 31st - aug 11th
  • 🎨 Summer Signature Tour (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 1:00pm Meets at Canyon Princess (cougar sculpture in West Hallway) From Remington and Russell to Native American works, see some of the finest Western art in the country during this docent-facilitated Museum tour. View ethnographic material from Native Americans and mountain men, and learn about frontier military life. Round out the tour with a look at…
  • 🎨 Vintage Black Heroes: The Chisholm Kid (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 10:00am The first black cowboy to be featured in a comic strip, The Chisholm Kid appeared from 1950 – 1954 in the Pittsburgh Courier’s comic insert. To mark the 150th anniversary of the Chisholm Trail – and to pay homage to the 5,000 – 9,000 black cowboys who drove cattle along the trail from Texas to Kansas following the Civil War – this…
  • Weekly Walkups (Myriad Botanical Gardens - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 10:00am

Friday, Aug 11th

Saturday, Aug 12th

  • Alesana et al. (89th Street Collective - Oklahoma City)
  • Alesana & Eyes Set to Kill in Concert (89th Street Collective - Oklahoma City) Come to 89th Street to see Alesana and Eyes Set to Kill amp up the energy in Oklahoma City. Rock out as…
  • AQHYA World Youth Championship Quarter Horse Show (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Last Day The AQHYA World Youth Championship Quarter Horse Show arrives in Oklahoma City. This is one of the top youth events in…
  • Arbor House 2nd Annual Car & Motorcycle Show (Mustang) Start Time: 9:00am WHO: Arbor House WHAT: Annual Car Show WHEN: June 3rd WHERE: Arbor House WHY: Benefit the Alzheimer's Association
    The Arbor House Annual Car Show @ 850 N. Clear Springs Rd., Mustang, OK. All proceeds will go to benefit the Alzheimer's association. Pre-register $25 / $35 day of show. For more info contact Josie @ 405-376-2872
  • Beats & Bites Festival (Riverwind Casino - Norman) Feast on delicious entrees and snacks from various food trucks at Riverwind Casino's Beats & Bites music and…
  • Body Worx 2nd Annual Car Show (Guthrie) WHO: Body Worx WHAT: Annual Car Show WHEN: August 12th WHERE: Beacon Drive-In - Guthrie OK
    Registration is $5 from 8 to 10, includes free meal tickets, two raffle tickets, and one grand prize entry ticket. First 200 registrants get a goodie bag full of wonderful promotional items from area businesses. Raffle tickets available for $1 each or 6…
  • Bowhunter's Festival (Arcadia) Day 1 of 2 Bring your bow to Arcadia's Bowhunter's Festival and participate in a 3D archery tournament. Classes…
  • 🏆 Dodgers vs Express (Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark - Oklahoma City) Thru Mon, Aug 14th Start Time: 7:05pm vs Round Rock Express
  • Indie Trunk Show Pop-Up (Quail Springs 24 - Oklahoma City) The Indie Trunk Show in Oklahoma City is all about the local crafters, artists and businesses of Oklahoma. Browse…
  • Internet Cat Video Fest OKC (Myriad Botanical Gardens - Oklahoma City) Each summer the Myriad Botanical Gardens in downtown Oklahoma City hosts the Internet Cat Video Festival. Inspired by…
  • Just One Voice : Tom Waits (The Venue OKC - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 8:00pm
  • 😂 Kevin Bozeman (Loony Bin Comedy Club - Oklahoma City) Last Day
  • The March Divide et al. (Red Brick Bar - Norman)
  • Newsboys in Concert (Starlight Amphitheater @ Frontier City - Oklahoma City) Spend the day splashing in the Renegade Rapids or screaming on the Silver Bullet at Frontier City Theme Park before…
  • OKC Gun Show (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Day 1 of 2 For a high quality gun show with great prices and selection, visit the OKC Gun Show in Oklahoma City. Held at the…
  • The Tishay Awards (Oklahoma City) Attend a red carpet event in the heart of Oklahoma City with tickets to the Tishay Awards. Hosted by the Tishay…

Sunday, Aug 13th

  • An Accordion Affair (Czech Hall - Yukon) Sit down and enjoy An Accordion Affair, an all-ages concert in Yukon featuring 23 accordionists. These musicians…
  • Bowhunter's Festival (Arcadia) Day 2 of 2 Bring your bow to Arcadia's Bowhunter's Festival and participate in a 3D archery tournament. Classes…
  • 🏆 Dodgers vs Express (Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark - Oklahoma City) 1 day left Start Time: 7:05pm vs Round Rock Express
  • OKC Gun Show (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Day 2 of 2 For a high quality gun show with great prices and selection, visit the OKC Gun Show in Oklahoma City. Held at the…

Monday, Aug 14th

  • Alex Napping (Opolis - Norman)
  • 🏆 Dodgers vs Express (Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 7:05pm vs Round Rock Express

Tuesday, Aug 15th

  • Food Truck Tuesdays (Jackson - Blanchard) Every week, treat your taste buds to new flavors. During Food Truck Tuesdays, a different food truck will park in…
  • Wheeler Criterium (Oklahoma City) Once the weather starts warming up, gather your crew and head south of the Oklahoma River for the Wheeler Criterium each…

See Also

submitted by eventbot to okc [link] [comments]

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